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After that I ran into Ars Gratia Artis in a downtown Sarasota, Florida art gallery.
I walked through the aisles . . . it was so peaceful and serene. The paintings, the soft music and lighting, the understated perfume in the air provided by the soft red flowers.
The next thing I knew I was lying on my back, senses jangled and seeing stars. A young man in a fashionable outfit somewhat resembling a toga was standing over me, breathing his cigar smoke into my face . . . an employee badge on his chest read "Ars Gratia Artis, Ace Designer" . . .
LR: Ugh. You aren't . . .
Ars Gratia Artis: What you expected? Yeah. I never hear that. Really. No, I'm not giving autographs. Buzz off.
I carefully stood up, trying to reassemble my dignity from spare parts.
LR: Well Mr. Artis, I'm Ludwig S. Ryan from the Daily World Web Herald, I called before about the interview.
AGA: Does "Ars Gratia Artis" sound like a normal name to you, pal? It means "Art for Art's Sake" for crying out loud. So I'm not "Mr. Artis." You can call me "Ars." I don't have any time for your foolishness. Your paper's layout stinks. Whoever does paste up in that rathole should be put on permanent assignment to the outer Urals. Man, when Jerri sees you, she's gonna have a field day with your butt.
LR: Okay - I understand, you're pressed for time. Just two questions? It'll only take a moment.
AGA: I'd lay you out as a recreation of Picasso's The Tete de Cheva (Horse's Head), but The Coordinator says I can't do that anymore. Bad publicity, sheesh. Okay, pal, I'll give you two minutes. Shoot.
LR: The Purple Team. You came up with name?
AGA: No. Man, are you listening to The Coordinator about that stuff? Oh sure, I'd trust someone whose head is so full of mark up that he doesn't know which way is up. Totally reasonable. Sincerely.
Jerri thought it up. I think it was some kind of bad joke. I don't get it.
LR: You don't seem very heroic . . .
AGA: Is that even a question? Time's almost up, pal. But to answer the question you didn't have the guts to ask, no, I'm not very heroic.
Look me in the eye. You think I do this for charity? Outta the goodness of MY heart? Man, you are a rube aren't you. Did they make any more like you wherever it is out in Iowa that you come from? Or did they break the mold?
Truth of it is, I'm in this for the money. Big. Huge. Checks. With. My. Name. On 'em. Every week. And the residuals? Places are lining up for miles to hire me as their "Ace Designer." Lets not even talk about the endorsements. I get checks so big that if I told you how much they were it'd just confuse you. You don't look like you can count that high.
But much as I hate to admit it, we probably do some good as a team. Oh, sure I'm a pretty rotten guy - you have figured that out by now haven't you Ludwig, but what we do is important.
Showing people the right way to set up a web page, using cascading style sheets to give their site a look that'll make the rubes' jaws drop open so far open you could shove a Sherman tank down their throats. You know, a lot of guys - guys like you, actually think using good xhtml and CSS by the big blue W3 book makes a site look boring!?!
For our readers:
The W3c or World Wide Web Consortium is the
standards body for the world wide web. They provide a number of resources to
web designers and developers including the W3c validator, which will help ensure your mark up is correct.
You can learn more about xhtml and CSS at W3schools.com,
a great resource for learning more about web design and development.
Ars Gratia Ars shakes his head and spits on the floor
We do set a good example for other by using navigation strategies that don't drive our end users insane, lost forever in a funhouse with nothing waiting for them at the end.
It's my job to make sure that page elements don't wander all over the place like little lost lambs. Kinda like you, Ludwig. This piece of text left, that one centered and another one at page right. Doesn't happen on my watch.
I ensure that these pieces have some earthly relationship that a reindeer herder from Siberia can understand. Every piece of the page serves some function. I do not include pictures of LOLCats because "teehee, they're so dang cuuuuuute!" Are you taking notes here, Ludwig. This is going to be on the final. And if you fail that final, I'm going to hit you with the "You're Wrong" stick. Repeatedly.
Speaking of things that I enjoy doing over and over again. I ensure that our design is consistent by using page elements repeatedly on each page of the site. If you look at the banner at page top of this site, you'll notice that it is mostly the same between pages, only changing by which page of this document you're on.
I help The Coordinator put the page together in such a way that even if you're accessing the internet on a cardboard box that's running at 800x600, you can still make sense of our site. Because it scales.
I ensure that Mac Attack doesn't go all artsy-fartsy on me and design art that doesn't serve any logical purpose whatsoever. She's an odd one, so that happens more often than you might think. It takes my bad attitude to keep her in line.
But for the most part, that's not what I enjoy.
I like finding guys who figure you can just take a random collection of html tags, throw 'em against a wall and call what sticks a web site.
Giving those jerks the what for really makes my day.
The only thing better is beating people who layout pages like their end user should be reading them in a mirror while hanging upside down, reciting the alphabet backwards in pig latin. Those guys I beat with the "You're Wrong" stick.
Say, your two minutes are long since up. Don't bother showing yourself out. Let me help.
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